Leave Us Alone Julian Fellowes!
by darthsydious
Summary: Downton Abbey characters decide to make their own changes to the script! Just a bit of silliness, not to be taken seriously!


Just a little silliness, wherein the characters of Downton realize the travesty that has been happening to them.

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><p>Random famous English actor from BBC comes onscreen<p>

Actor: Good evening, I'm one of the good actors from England. You may have seen me in any television show airing on BBC or ITV. There's only fifty good actors in the whole of England anyway, so while you probably can't place my name, you'll know me as 'That person who was in that show with that other famous English actor in-between his shows at the Royal Shakespeare Theatre'. Tonight on Downton Abbey, our favourite characters are neck in deep in drama. In the dramatic conclusion to this dramatic drama television series, we find out the drama downstairs and the drama upstairs will at last come to one dramatic climax and end in a dizzying drama of multi-syllabic proper English drama. *beaming smile as screen fades to black*

Downton Abbey Theme begins, various clips of servants cleaning shot in cinematic glamour, and then the upstairs poshos going about their lives, also we follow a dog's behind for a little while

And now to our story

EXTERIOR: DOWNTON ABBEY, NIGHT. SWITCHES to INTERIOR DOWNTON ABBEY, STILL NIGHT, BUT WITH ELECTRICITY, OBVS.

A couple is embracing in the hallway. Suddenly, the woman moves into the light, and the man jumps back. Lord Grantham is clearly shocked

Robert: Wait a minute! You aren't Cora!

Jane: *red* Um…no?

Robert: Why on EARTH am I kissing _you_ then?

Jane: *can offer no reason because she didn't exist four episodes ago and no one knows her well enough to sympathize/hate her character*

Robert: Good God! Cora! What shall I tell her?

Cora: *steps out of nowhere* I already know Robert.

Robert: Oh my love! Can you ever forgive me? I don't know what on earth has happened to move me to do such an ungentlemanly deed, but I'll never be able to live it down!

Cora: Save it dear, it's called bad script writing, the best of us have suffered from it. Besides it isn't as if infidelity or immorality didn't exist in this show before.

Robert: Yes but at least Mary had an excuse! I'm supposed to be the definition of gentleman! Not a cad!

Cora: I don't think kissing a maid once makes you a cad.

Robert: *frowns* I think I've kissed her twice.

Cora: Oh. Well then alright.

Robert: Hey!

Matthew: *Wheels himself in* While we're at it, can we get some ramps built in this house for me or something?

Robert: Don't be silly, in a few weeks we'll all find out you can walk and it was all just a big misunderstanding and you'll be walking and have no need of therapy or physical training even though your spine underwent severe trauma.

Matthew: I know but it's still really hard to get around, do you know how long it takes Sybil to push me up the stairs? I mean look at her, she's the size of a toothpick. She's not in any kind of shape to lift anybody up a huge-a-double-scribble flight of stairs.

Robert: *ignoring him* What about you Cora? Any complaints while we're at it?

Cora: Why am I being written as such a jerk? I'm supposed to be a lady, an American granted, but we didn't get a bad name for ourselves until _after_ the SECOND World War. Give me some credit here! I don't drink, I don't sleep around, I just want to run my house the way I was taught and be a good wife!

Robert: Yes, I'd also like to know why I'm being rude to Cora. We do fight, but we don't fall out over it. And why would I turn to THAT *nods to Jane who's still standing in the corner* instead? I don't chase any skirts but my wife's.

Mary: Why am I so good in this series? I mean, I'm incredibly nice and unselfish and non-catty to everyone.

Matthew: Seen the error of your ways I expect.

Mary: Shut up cripple- *to the others* No really! I had genuine issues with myself last season, and then suddenly I've forgotten them all? I mean yes, some of them would fall away due to time and the fact that some things just don't matter anymore with a war on, but good god, I don't think a person makes radical personality changes in that short a time.

Robert: My point exactly.

Edith: Why did I kiss that dirty old farm hand? I mean really, that was the man Cousin Isobel saved last series, who was devoted to his wife. What the HELL am I doing kissing him? All I want to do is be useful! Not aid an affair!

Mary: Trying to justify my actions from last season probably, that way we're equally slutty, but to be fair, mine could be counted as rape. I did say no.

Edith: At least he was good looking. I'll probably end up with the Phantom of Downton over there. *nods to supposed cousin Patrick who looks like Freddy Krueger minus the hands*

Supposedly Patrick: I am Patrick! WHY DON'T YOU ALL RECOGNIZE ME?

Everyone: Because your FACE IS _**MELTED**_.

Supposedly Patrick: *huffs*

Matthew: *looks around* I have to pee.

Robert: Uhg, Sybil would you?

Sybil: Why do I have to take him out?

Robert: Because you're a nurse, and he's your cousin!

Sybil: He's your cousin too!

Robert: Just GO.

Sybil: *wheels Matthew out, muttering under her breath*

Anna: May I say something?

Cora: Of course.

Anna: Why am I suddenly nothing but Bates/Anna fodder? Since when did I become so hung up on someone else that I completely lose all personality?

Bates: Also, is anyone here believing the hokum I'm throwing around protecting the family to the point of my probable death? I had better be Lord Grantham's brother with all the secrets I've been keeping.

Robert: Yes you have been a bit of a Secret-Shirley lately.

Thomas: Anyone remember I'm gay and troubled?

Robert: Well what about Matthew, he's been such a- oh he's still here.

Everyone looks; Matthew and Sybil have only moved down two stairs. Sybil is trying to back him down. Matthew faces them.

Matthew: *waves*

Robert: Oh for god's sake, someone help her before he wets the carpet.

Matthew: Well since I have no feeling in my testicles, legs or feet, there's a good chance I already have. *looks at pants* Yep.

Everyone: Ew. Sybil?

Sybil: *grinds her teeth but starts easing him back upstairs to change him*

Carson: *clutches chest and falls over*

Everyone: HOLY *curse bleeped out*

Carson: *gets back up* I'm fine. Just a non-heart-attack stroke thing. *collapses from Spanish Flu*

Lavinia: why do I have no personality except to love Matthew? Is that all I do? Does Julian Fellowes HATE all the women characters in this series? Can I sell war bonds or do something useful? For a girl unused to rich country life I sure do a whole lot of NOTHING around here. *also collapses from Spanish Flu*

Cora: Oh me! *also drops from SF*

Robert: Oh buggar. All right everyone stop it! Stop it right now! Get up! Yes you Matthew, we know you're going to walk in a couple weeks anyway.

Matthew glances at the fourth wall and then awkwardly gets out of the wheel chair. Lavinia picks herself up, Robert assists Cora and Carson continues to lie there.

Robert: I said get up.

Carson: Excuse me M'lord, all this falling I seem to have damaged my back.

Robert: Oh. Well someone pick him up then.

Carson: Thank you M'lord. *Anna and Bates help him up and put him in Matthew's wheel chair.

Robert: Now really, I don't know about all of you, but I know that I'm sick of all this drama. Really! How often does all of this confusion happen in real life? I know the Great War was detrimental to people and their lives, but really! This is ridiculous! Our fan base has gone A-double-scribble insane with rage and violence from the drama that goes on here. Not to mention the weekly torture all of us are going through, emotionally and physically. How many weeks in a row are we going to be contracting deathly diseases, betraying loved ones or murdering our spouses? *everyone looks at Bates, who glances at the floor*

Edith: Why _is_ Vera so evil anyway?

Bates: *shrugs* She's just…evil.

Edith: No really. I mean, this isn't a film noir where people are good for the sake of being good or evil for the sake of evil. This is supposed to be a period drama with relatable characters to people of the present. You must have done something to her to make her want to destroy your life. No woman can have that much rage without reason. Pointless rage isn't really a relatable character.

Bates: Well you hated your sister.

Edith: That all stemmed from insecurities and fed by the fact that we were cooped up together all day with nothing to do. It was all a question of diverting our energies to a more constructive outlet. Like the war effort.

Cora: Where are you going with all of this Robert?

Robert: I'm saying I'm sick to death of all this blasted drama! It's insulting to not only myself but to my family, my staff and my title! I am surprised Mama hasn't- *stops suddenly* Good heavens where is Mama anyway?

Sybil: Granny said she had somewhere to be, but she was coming.

Robert: Hm.

Cora: *frowns* You know she's the only one Julian Fellowes hasn't debased.

Everyone murmurs in agreeing realization.

Suddenly the door flies open and in strides the Dowager Countess.

Violet: Good God Robert, how long were you going to sit in the mud before you got out? Well never mind. I had a nice little talk with this 'Mr. Fellowes' and I think we were able to come to a very reasonable agreement.

Robert: *clearly doesn't believe her*

Cora: What did you say?

Edith: Was he cross?

Matthew: Did you hit him with your purse?

Violet: I most certainly did not. We had a very pleasant little chat about where we all were going by way of characters and that if we didn't see the changes soon, he'd have a terrible force to reckon with.

Robert: What changes?

Matthew: *turns suddenly to Lavinia* Look I think we'd both be better off if we called it a day, I mean, you don't want to run Downton with me, you're- oh screw this. I want to marry someone else, probably Mary. Or Sybil. Depending on how this parody goes.

Lavinia: Awesome. I've got somebody back in London anyway. Tah everyone, thanks for the fun. *leaves without dying or being humiliated*

Violet: That was one of them, I'm sure if we wait a moment the others will be along shortly.

Cora: *looks up suddenly* I'm pregnant again!

Robert: Let's celebrate!

Everyone: Hurrah!

Robert: *sweeps Cora off to their room to do so*

Matthew: Oh that doesn't mean all of us okay then.

Sybil: What other changes did you make to the script Granny?

Violet: Just the ones that made the most logical sense.

Edith: But what DID you say to Mr. Fellowes? Were you very gruff with him?

Violet: I am never gruff. If anything I was terribly polite. It was the fans I brought along that ought to have restrained themselves. I left before all the excitement.

*meanwhile somewhere in London*

Julian Fellowes: *tied up in a corner, wild-eyed and afraid, surrounded by angry Downton fans* Wh-what are you guys gonna do to me?

DOWNTON

All are laughing jovially, glasses of champagne all around between staff and upstairs.

Robert: *back from escapades with Cora in the bedroom* Well done everyone, especially Mama, without whom we'd never be back the way we ought to be.

Matthew: Amen to that.

Cora: Of course…the only question now is, where do we go from here? If we're all happily settled, what now?

Robert: My darling, the best ending is a happy one, so shouldn't we leave it at 'they all lived happily ever after'? Must we go through every single moment of our lives from middle-age to old-age to death? Good heavens, there are much more important things to watch on the television. Like Doctor Who.

Everyone nods in agreement, thoughtful, content, and looking forward to what's sure to be a smashing Christmas Special. We begin to pan out

Supposedly Patrick: Hey…hey I don't think I'm Patrick after all you guys. *lights are flicked out* Guys? Guys?


End file.
